I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
