Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
