You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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