a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
