why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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