You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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