Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
