im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
