right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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