Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize