Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
