Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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