ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
