So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
