Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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