god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
