I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize