I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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