I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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