im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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