Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
