just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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