I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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