So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize