this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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