You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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