I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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