I'm so fucking centered right now
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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