I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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