Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
