I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
she pinky promised me she was 18
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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