OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you traded sex for a burrito?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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