I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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