I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Can you bring me the toilet please
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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