Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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