Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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