i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
