the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize