im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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