mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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