i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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