we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
