it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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