Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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