Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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