i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
