Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
