Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize