Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
