I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
