I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
