Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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