the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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