I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
