Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
