shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
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